“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” — Dale Carnegie
Negotiations That Feel Like Conversations
Try to remember your last negotiation.
Were you satisfied with the result?
What were your thoughts about your counterpart, and was it a stressful process with no clear idea of how to conduct it and gain control?
Did you ask your counterpart about their motives for rejecting your offer?
Negotiations can be built on understanding and empathy, and that doesn’t mean you need to become weak or compliant.
Chris Voss rejects the classic idea of compromise as 50-50 or meeting in the middle.
Who is Chris Voss, and why do I want to go deeper into his work on negotiation strategies? The answer becomes clear after looking at some key facts from his life. Chris Voss spent 24 years at the FBI, rising to become the lead international kidnapping negotiator.
He negotiated high-stakes cases such as kidnappings in the Philippines, Colombia, and the Middle East, as well as bank robberies with hostages and other critical negotiations where the stakes were literally people’s lives.
Nevertheless, his practical negotiation techniques can be used in a wide variety of situations where the stakes are not as high as a human life, but where progress and success in business, relationships, or personal goals still matter.
Let me give you a closer look at these methods. You’ll discover that in negotiation, there are no true winners or losers—and the difference doesn’t always need to be split. Be ready for concrete, repeatable techniques that are easy to remember and come with real-life examples.
Tactical Empathy - make them say That's right.
Tactical empathy is a situation where you start by sympathizing with your counterpart. After achieving a dedicated emotional connection with the person opposite you, you shift the flow of empathy so that your counterpart begins to sympathize with you.
Tactical empathy is the basis for further steps in the strategy. Giving and receiving empathy helps you reach the best possible outcome for your negotiation — whether it’s the best price, best salary, best contract, or the best resolution in your private life. This happens because the other party feels that the deal is fair.
You need to step into the role of a psychologist and become a great listener. Your counterpart needs to feel heard and secure in your presence. This technique can be applied easily by asking additional questions that let the conversation flow. By doing so, you create genuine interest in the speaker and foster a sense that you are close to each other and understand the needs and situation of the other person.
Let’s dive into the following scenario that I’ve prepared especially for you:
A Sales Representative and a Showroom Manager.
A sales representative for a furniture brand wants a large showroom manager to start carrying a new premium furniture line.
The showroom currently sells only long-established brands and is hesitant to change, fearing risk and extra costs.
😒 Common Approach (Ineffective)
The representative says:
“Our new brand is innovative and high-margin. If you don’t add it to your floor, you’ll miss out on sales.”
The showroom manager crosses their arms:
“We’re fine with what we’ve got. Our customers trust the current brands. I don’t want to take the risk.”
This direct pitch creates resistance — the manager feels pushed.
✅ Empathetic Approach
Representative: “It sounds like you’re very dedicated to your local suppliers and want prosperity for your showroom. You seem to be concerned that bringing in a new brand could disrupt your current sales flow.”
Manager: “That's right. I don’t want to confuse my salespeople or upset loyal customers.”
Representative: “What’s the biggest risk you see if we introduce just a small pilot of the new line?”
Manager: “Well… I’m worried it won’t sell and we’ll waste valuable floor space.”
Representative: “Waste valuable floor space?”
Manager: “Yes. We’d have to remove something that’s already moving well.”
Representative: “How would you decide whether a new line is worth keeping after a trial period?”
Manager: “If it sells at the same pace as our mid-range sofas within the first three months, I’d be open to considering it.”
Representative: “It sounds like we could start with a small corner display — so you’re not risking much floor space — and review sales performance in three months. How would you feel about that?”
Manager: “That’s reasonable. A small pilot won’t hurt.”
Chris Voss points out that a real successful negotiation doesn't start unless you hear the statement: That's right from your counterpart.
In hostage negotiations, we nevertried to get to “yes” as an endpoint. We knew that “yes” is nothing without “how”. And when we applied hostage negotiating tactics to business, we saw how “ that’s right” often leads to the best outcomes”
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash
Your goal is to identify the concerns and uncertainties of your counterpart and use them to clarify your offer. Next, you should summarize your understanding by using phrases like “It seems like …” or “It sounds like …”
The importance of starting your sentence with “It seems like …” or “It sounds like …” lies in how it affects the conversation if the other person disagrees with your statement. In that case, you’ve only said that it seems like — which implies you might be wrong. This phrasing keeps the discussion safe and prevents your statement from derailing the conversation, as it’s easy to explain or adjust.
However, in the more likely scenario, this opening structure puts you in a strong position. Hearing the words “That’s right” from your counterpart is a clear sign that you’ve identified their main concern and that your empathy has been recognized and accepted.
An additional tip is to repeat three key words that you’ve heard from your counterpart. This technique, known as mirroring, encourages them to elaborate further.
Have you successfully found all of that in the dialogue above?
Now it’s time to guide the conversation so that they begin to empathize with your situation and help you solve your problem.
Calibrated Questions
Calibrated questions are questions that start with "How" or "What." They allow you to focus your counterpart's mind on your needs a nd sympathize with you. These questions change the confrontation-like dialogue in problem-solving discussions Regarding Chris Voss, the best question you can ask is "How am I supposed to do that?"
Let's dive into the following scenario:
Hotel Owner vs. Corporate Representative:
A corporate representative is trying to book the hotel’s main conference room for a 3-day leadership event. The company has a strict budget of $6,000, but the hotel’s standard price is $8,500.
😒 Common Approach (Ineffective)
Corporate Representative: “We only have $6,000 for the venue.”
Hotel Owner: “Sorry, our price is $8,500. That’s non-negotiable.”
The discussion hits a deadlock, leaving the deal at risk.
✅ Empathetic Approach
Hotel Owner: “Our price for the main conference room with standard services is $8,500 for the three days.”
Corporate Representative: “I really appreciate the quality of your venue. Unfortunately, our budget for the event is $6,000… How am I supposed to make $8,500 work within that limit?”
Hotel Owner: “Hm… We could offer a smaller conference room for part of the event, or reduce the rate to $7,200 if you book a block of guest rooms as well.”.
The calibrated question: “How am I supposed to do that?” is polite and non-confrontational.
It shifts the problem to the hotel owner, encouraging them to come up with alternatives.
Now it is time to incorporate the strategy into your negotiations. Try it in daily-life conversations whenever you need to achieve a certain result. Good luck!
Takeaways:
Label emotions with
“It seems like…”
Get them to confirm with
“That’s right.”
Invite them to collaborate with
“How am I supposed to do that?”
💡 The strategy comes from Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference. I highly recommend reading it for even better negotiation results.
You can’t make someone do something — but you can make them want to do it.
